![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
FROM: vakarian.garrus@cdc.org
00:00 hours tomorrow, by the ATKJPs.
00:00 hours tomorrow, by the ATKJPs.
Shepard, I know this likely isn't something you wanted to hear, or that anyone would want to hear. But I'm leaving you this message to explain why I've done what I have. I was assigned a mission from Gilese and Mothership, to choose someone to die as an exercise in the actions of the chain of command. As such, I believe the only choice I can make is to choose myself.
I'm sorry that this was how that this mission is ending. Try to find as much information as you can from the CDC to defeat the reapers. I don't need to tell you the importance of finding an edge against them.
I have never told you about how glad I was that day you saved me on Therum, and how you're one of my best friends, Shepard. I've seen a lot of the galaxy, and accomplished so much, and I have you to thank for helping me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. For that I want to say Thank you, again, Shepard, and may the goddess always watch over you and guide you when all seems lost.
I'm sorry that this was how that this mission is ending. Try to find as much information as you can from the CDC to defeat the reapers. I don't need to tell you the importance of finding an edge against them.
I have never told you about how glad I was that day you saved me on Therum, and how you're one of my best friends, Shepard. I've seen a lot of the galaxy, and accomplished so much, and I have you to thank for helping me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. For that I want to say Thank you, again, Shepard, and may the goddess always watch over you and guide you when all seems lost.
[The message is left unread for longer than it should be - or maybe that's just something she'll feel later. Maybe it's a perfectly reasonable amount of time not to read messages waiting for her in the comm database. When she does get to it, a few hours after it's been sitting in her inbox, Shepard's response is immediate. Whether it's something Liara will answer or not though...--]
CALLING: shepard.lydia@cdc.org
Liara. Answer your comm, damn it. What's your position and status?
CALLING: shepard.lydia@cdc.org
Liara. Answer your comm, damn it. What's your position and status?
SENDING: Garrus Vakarian
[Garrus' voice is heavy, subharmonics low, and the words come slowly.]
Shepard. I...
[He trails off. There's a beat before he resumes talking.]
I'm sorry. Needed to say that.
[Garrus' voice is heavy, subharmonics low, and the words come slowly.]
Shepard. I...
[He trails off. There's a beat before he resumes talking.]
I'm sorry. Needed to say that.
[It's been a long couple of days; when she'd predicted to Tess that Mission Ajna about to go nuclear, she'd meant it more literally than this - would have honestly preferred it that way.
When she picks up, the voice on the line is raw. Tired, probably. Been running circles both figurative and otherwise.]
You're not responsible for any of this.
[This, obviously, being Liara and the mission assignments and this whole BS detail. Because that's clearly what he's apologizing for, right?]
When she picks up, the voice on the line is raw. Tired, probably. Been running circles both figurative and otherwise.]
You're not responsible for any of this.
[This, obviously, being Liara and the mission assignments and this whole BS detail. Because that's clearly what he's apologizing for, right?]
[There's a silence on the line for a few.]
Yeah. But I...
[He has so much to say and so little time. Even finding the words takes work. But he owes her this. When she'd died, when he hadn't had the chance to talk to her one last time, that had weighed him down just as much as not having her back.]
I made you a promise. And it doesn't look like I'm gonna keep it. Meant... I meant to see things through to the end with you. Wanted to, too.
[He's found some sort of weak footing now, and he picks up a little steam even if his voice is still exhausted and discouraged.]
Blue mission... it's not just kill someone. They had to turn in a name of someone they trusted first. And after that, they were told to kill that person. My name was turned in.
[A pause, a breath. It's not just her that Garrus is breaking this down for.]
My name was turned in. I... We've killed so many, Lydia, but never someone for personal gain. We've never crossed that line. They've always deserved it. I can't... I can't go against everything I've ever stood for. I can't kill for the sole reason of living another day.
[Thank everything these are sent in burst transmissions, because if it was some sort of live communication line he knows he wouldn't be able to get half of this out. It's already a struggle to get that last bit out, voice choked despite all of his efforts to face this head-on and deal with it.]
Yeah. But I...
[He has so much to say and so little time. Even finding the words takes work. But he owes her this. When she'd died, when he hadn't had the chance to talk to her one last time, that had weighed him down just as much as not having her back.]
I made you a promise. And it doesn't look like I'm gonna keep it. Meant... I meant to see things through to the end with you. Wanted to, too.
[He's found some sort of weak footing now, and he picks up a little steam even if his voice is still exhausted and discouraged.]
Blue mission... it's not just kill someone. They had to turn in a name of someone they trusted first. And after that, they were told to kill that person. My name was turned in.
[A pause, a breath. It's not just her that Garrus is breaking this down for.]
My name was turned in. I... We've killed so many, Lydia, but never someone for personal gain. We've never crossed that line. They've always deserved it. I can't... I can't go against everything I've ever stood for. I can't kill for the sole reason of living another day.
[Thank everything these are sent in burst transmissions, because if it was some sort of live communication line he knows he wouldn't be able to get half of this out. It's already a struggle to get that last bit out, voice choked despite all of his efforts to face this head-on and deal with it.]
[Not being able to interrupt is like communicating through a lagging comm buoy, there's something remote and distant as a result. Like talking to someone who isn't really there, an outdated VI. The silence that follows the receipt of the message is longer than it should be, short when it's broken.]
What happens to Palaven if you go?
[It's out of her mouth because nothing else manages to get past her teeth - like there's a gap there, something she can't articulate. She knows what happens after he goes; she fights like hell to get it back. --But that's bullshit. This is bullshit. And if he's messaging her to say he's folding his cards, she damn well deserves to know what the stakes are.]
What happens to Palaven if you go?
[It's out of her mouth because nothing else manages to get past her teeth - like there's a gap there, something she can't articulate. She knows what happens after he goes; she fights like hell to get it back. --But that's bullshit. This is bullshit. And if he's messaging her to say he's folding his cards, she damn well deserves to know what the stakes are.]
Edited 2014-09-26 09:01 (UTC)
[He's glad, just a little, that that's the question she asks. And it's selfish. Garrus knows he's hurting her. That guilt's heavy in his mind as he replies in an equally weighty voice, but better this then she go looking like she had to with Liara, and better this than never getting to say goodbye like he'd gone through with the SR-1.]
He's promised to protect it. I landed my own dumb ass here, Shepard, and put it at risk. If I'm... If I'm taken out for a mission I'm not violating my contract, I can't get Palaven in more trouble by possibly fucking up, and he's looking after her interests.
[It still doesn't mean he wants to die. But there's at least some gain from it.]
I'm sorry about the thing with Crichton too. I couldn't have... I had to step in. Everyone could see the dispute growing. But...
[It's another trailing off. Garrus has never been particularly good with words. He knows his strength is in action, but there isn't anything he can do for her right now.]
Shouldn't have let so much time go before apologizing. I figured I had time.
[Garrus chuckles at that. It's a stupid assumption, always. He's used to war. He should know that.]
Don't beat yourself up. This is my fault and my doing. And I... It's been an honor to serve with you, Commander.
He's promised to protect it. I landed my own dumb ass here, Shepard, and put it at risk. If I'm... If I'm taken out for a mission I'm not violating my contract, I can't get Palaven in more trouble by possibly fucking up, and he's looking after her interests.
[It still doesn't mean he wants to die. But there's at least some gain from it.]
I'm sorry about the thing with Crichton too. I couldn't have... I had to step in. Everyone could see the dispute growing. But...
[It's another trailing off. Garrus has never been particularly good with words. He knows his strength is in action, but there isn't anything he can do for her right now.]
Shouldn't have let so much time go before apologizing. I figured I had time.
[Garrus chuckles at that. It's a stupid assumption, always. He's used to war. He should know that.]
Don't beat yourself up. This is my fault and my doing. And I... It's been an honor to serve with you, Commander.
[She shouldn't let that sit, let a beat of silence stretch out. It sounds like he's running short on time and that's no point for her to go grasping at straws - but it takes her a beat to follow the transmission. She can't accept his apology (it means validating that he even needed to say it; that there was any reason for him to apologize when in reality he'd just been doing the job he'd set out to do - same as any of them, same as she would've done). But she also can't agree that any of this is his fault; Garrus might have agreed to mission parameters, but he sure as hell didn't set them and this kind of bullshit frittering away from personnel didn't serve any purpose except to prove a point - not if what Armada had said held any truth to it.
She should say the pleasure's been all hers, maybe. Say goodbye. What she goes with is:] I'll find who sent this order down the chain, Garrus.
[And somewhere out there, CDC brass is probably listening in; if it sounds like a threat, that's probably because it is.]
She should say the pleasure's been all hers, maybe. Say goodbye. What she goes with is:] I'll find who sent this order down the chain, Garrus.
[And somewhere out there, CDC brass is probably listening in; if it sounds like a threat, that's probably because it is.]
[He doesn't want to close the line. He doesn't want to stop the conversation and know that there's a high chance he'll never hear her voice again. She's the first he called, and the one he's staying on the line with throughout. Everything else is sent between, mostly typed, because Garrus wants his best friend in these last few moments.
It takes work to push what's going on out of his voice, and there's a little left in his subharmonics when he speaks, but for the most part, he sounds as he ever does - amused, smug, and teasing.]
Just don't fall through any fishtanks while doing it. Once was enough, and we had Wrex as backup. This search for info probably takes a little more finesse. And a little less dancing. Also less threatening of an innocent volus.
[He stops himself before adding that she probably scared twenty years off that volus' life. It doesn't work, here. What does work is leaving it clean. Going out on a joke. And so, head bowed as he fights with his emotions, Garrus sends the message and closes out his comm link. He's had three eulogies and a promise to take care of his flower, and this is the conversation that's making him wish horribly that there's another way. Once the line is dead Garrus whispers a goodbye that will never be heard, and leans against a scrawny tree in the middle of ice and snow.]
It takes work to push what's going on out of his voice, and there's a little left in his subharmonics when he speaks, but for the most part, he sounds as he ever does - amused, smug, and teasing.]
Just don't fall through any fishtanks while doing it. Once was enough, and we had Wrex as backup. This search for info probably takes a little more finesse. And a little less dancing. Also less threatening of an innocent volus.
[He stops himself before adding that she probably scared twenty years off that volus' life. It doesn't work, here. What does work is leaving it clean. Going out on a joke. And so, head bowed as he fights with his emotions, Garrus sends the message and closes out his comm link. He's had three eulogies and a promise to take care of his flower, and this is the conversation that's making him wish horribly that there's another way. Once the line is dead Garrus whispers a goodbye that will never be heard, and leans against a scrawny tree in the middle of ice and snow.]
Page 2 of 52