[There's a very lame joke on her tongue about the proclivities of armed forces to collect pets - nothing like being on a backwater colony and spending every hour of downtime not dedicated to watching crappy action vids trying to tame the wildlife -and it dies before it gets past her teeth. All the color washes out of her face and for a second, for a brief strangling moment, Shepard looks--
(her throat tight and no breath in her lungs and the burning, burning feeling of choking on it. acidic taste of bile and the weight of something dark and consuming humming over her shoulder like the throb of some ancient, black engine)
--she swallows down the animal fear. It's liking biting down on something to fend off the stab of something painful. She sits very straight, draws a slow shallow breath through her nose.]
[ The shock on her face and the gravity of her question takes Jasper by almost just as much surprise. He goes rigid again, but not in the way he was before. This time his tight stance is more out of nervousness. A similar animal fear he thought he was done with. ]
Yes... you were there, remember?
[ He thought he was safe telling Shepard, thought she knew Corvo had taken him and vanished in a cloud of swirling black mist. She had been the only other one around to see it happen. ]
It was durin' the shuttle crash, on Ajna.
[ Thinking on it again, she really couldn't be blamed for not noticing. The wind was powerful and ringing in their ears, they were all nearly frozen to death, and Shepard had suffered a nasty concussion. He also hadn't mentioned anything happening as a result until now, when it was already over and fixed. He thought maybe she already knew, maybe already guessed after how he had burned his hands. Thought now that he was better it was safe to be more open about it.
No-- [It's snapped out, sharper and harder and more rigid than she means. She swallows that bite down too, bitter as it is.] I mean-- after that.
[She shouldn't have let him go. Shouldn't have let Attano take him away during the snowstorm. If she'd been more aware, she wouldn't have let Jasper slide through her fingers like that.
Or maybe she would have. He hadn't been much different from anyone else then, had he? No more familiar than any number of children she's let go. No different from a boy on Earth, there one second and gone the next - left to burn. And it's an effort to wrench herself back, to steady herself. Her jaw locks. A muscle in her cheek jumps.]
No... don't think so. I mean I know he watches me sleep sometimes, but he does that to everyone in fourteen, it's just his way.
[ He doesn't realize how strange and awful that sounds until after he says it out loud, and grimaces slightly at his own mistake. That's probably going to do nothing to calm Shepard's alarmingly heightened state right now. He grows more tense at the shoulders, but only because she does too, and it's strange to see her like this. He'd been living with the man since coming to the CDC, and he's learned Corvo's habits. Learned and accepted them, even if they came with nightmares.
He'd been too scared to bring it up with him, anyway. Not after Corvo had put a knife through his neck for the infamous Blue mission, even if he asked him to. Something he'd be sure never to mention to Shepard now.
A subject change is in order. He tries it a little too quickly. ]
He holds his new pet like it's a baby too, i-it's weird but kinda cute.
[The carved bone had been there on the table next to her bed in medical. The thought makes something in her go cold and quiet, tip of her tongue against the back of her teeth. Maybe it's paranoia. Maybe it's nothing - because what good was she to Corvo Attano? Or maybe he'd been there the whole time she'd been under.
Her expression arranges into a series of lines as rigid as the set of her shoulders, the line of her back.]
You need to be careful, Jasper.
[And that part she means, emphatic and raw in that sleep ragged voice of hers. So she's apparently not willing to follow his tangent, but at least she doesn't say the part she wants to - that Attano is dangerous. Because the last time she'd tried to warn Jasper about someone, she'd potentially had a better answer for 'Why?' than she does now and had still essentially told him 'Because.']
I know, but... Shepard, I live with him. Share a bunk...
[ Its weak, because he can't argue back. Wants to reassure her that it's fine, that yes he lives with Corvo, but everything is alright. He's leaned to live with the man, and though he'd never admit it to anyone but Corvo, cares more than he ever should have let himself. It wasn't either of their faults for wanting a father, or a son, to care about. But it hasn't been alright, not since day one.
Just thinking about it is enough to make him feel like sinking down, back down deep to that black and breathless watery abyss he'd become so used to in dreams before-
He pushes the idea from his mind before it can effect his expression. He didn't just blank for a second, no. His face goes rigid again, lines imitating hers as best he can, though his are still slanted with a mixture of doubt and confusion. It's difficult to keep hidden without retreating to his usual mask of anger. ]
[There's nothing about this conversation that makes letting it slide sound appealing - some gut deep, itching certainty that if she lets this go now, it's going to come back around with teeth. Or maybe that's just the creeping weight of eyes on her back, the curl of dark silence stretching out for her from that mark on Corvo's hand and the fitful,uneasy sleep she finds waiting for her. She digs the heel of her boot into the ground, a subtle twitch of muscle and flex of dark synthetic material - and makes a decision.]
I trust you to take care of yourself. [There's weight there, attention fixed on him. There's only so much he can do, only so much she can impress on him in the moment. And if Anders did what he could on Jasper's end, then the only other ground that needs covering is Attano.] But if it's ever not fine, don't keep it quiet.
[ He straightens out and nods, short and firm and business-like. Doesn't even bother to brush away the hair that falls over one eye. ]
I won't.
[ And then, remembering something about an elbow-dialed call and an apology and a juicebox in Medical. ]
I mean it this time. I won't keep it quiet, but... I'm gunna be keepin' it between me and Anders.
[ He almost thinks of asking, if it's alright he keeps it between himself and the other mage now, but in the end he tells her. Try as she might, there's no hiding how alarmed she is. It's hidden in the lines of how she holds herself, but the the concern behind her pressing questions had been clear as the daylight filtering through the leaves above. If he knew what else she'd been feeling, that sickening stench of salt and rot that always lingered, that couldn't be from the water so clean just behind them... he'd tell her to go see Anders too. ]
[She bites back on the rotten taste of-- not disappointment. That's not what this is, she tells herself. Because if she was looking for approval or validation for jack, she could get it by playing her cards a little less close. Worry, then. And that's normal: to be concerned about a kid in Jasper's position. He's older and more capable than he seems, she knows, but there's no shaking loose that sense where he's still just a child. More vulnerable, less armored and nothing about the way he practices schooling his expression and the lines of himself is really going to dislodge the taut feeling behind her ribs.
(Or maybe that has nothing to do with him. Maybe that's everything to do with Attano. But just like the rest, she's not going to put that under a lens for too long.)
But she nods back. It's equally short, equally firm. An itch pinches between her shoulder blades. She clears her raw throat. It doesn't have to be her.]
Good. Anders should be able to handle anything you can't on your own.
[ He nods again, still working on keeping his expression tight and neutral, though he breaks just enough quickly push that hair from his eye. ]
Thanks.
[ For allowing him to keep it between him and the healer, for understanding, for... what he suspects might be praise, but he's unsure. It's not something he's heard much in his life, however long and drawn out it's been. He's not familiar with it enough to determine on his own. Perhaps it's just another suggestion to be strong, because he isn't. Isn't strong enough to handle it all on his own. Perhaps it's praise meant for Anders. He did do an excellent job of healing him, even if they spell wouldn't last and the nightmares would return.
But that would be another night. For now he would sleep soundly. Hopefully Shepard would too soon. ]
I'm gunna go roast the rest of that meat. Expect some later. Take your time gettin' back to it, alright?
[ He doesn't wait for an answer, and instead takes his leave back the way he came... right back up the side of a tree.
Because that's definitely the fastest route back to the rovers. ]
[And he's gone, as quick as he'd come. She sits ramrod straight for a few long moments after he goes - then touches absently at her throat, hand straying quickly to her forehead. It's quiet out here at the edge of camp, far enough from the nearest rover and the hum of activity to fortify the area. Shepard lets her heels slide forward in the shale and sand and small, smoothed pebbles. Presses hard with her thumb against the bridge of her nose--]
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no subject
(her throat tight and no breath in her lungs and the burning, burning feeling of choking on it. acidic taste of bile and the weight of something dark and consuming humming over her shoulder like the throb of some ancient, black engine)
--she swallows down the animal fear. It's liking biting down on something to fend off the stab of something painful. She sits very straight, draws a slow shallow breath through her nose.]
Has Attano done-- magic on you?
no subject
Yes... you were there, remember?
[ He thought he was safe telling Shepard, thought she knew Corvo had taken him and vanished in a cloud of swirling black mist. She had been the only other one around to see it happen. ]
It was durin' the shuttle crash, on Ajna.
[ Thinking on it again, she really couldn't be blamed for not noticing. The wind was powerful and ringing in their ears, they were all nearly frozen to death, and Shepard had suffered a nasty concussion. He also hadn't mentioned anything happening as a result until now, when it was already over and fixed. He thought maybe she already knew, maybe already guessed after how he had burned his hands. Thought now that he was better it was safe to be more open about it.
Maybe he thought wrong. ]
no subject
[She shouldn't have let him go. Shouldn't have let Attano take him away during the snowstorm. If she'd been more aware, she wouldn't have let Jasper slide through her fingers like that.
Or maybe she would have. He hadn't been much different from anyone else then, had he? No more familiar than any number of children she's let go. No different from a boy on Earth, there one second and gone the next - left to burn. And it's an effort to wrench herself back, to steady herself. Her jaw locks. A muscle in her cheek jumps.]
Did he do anything to your head?
no subject
[ He doesn't realize how strange and awful that sounds until after he says it out loud, and grimaces slightly at his own mistake. That's probably going to do nothing to calm Shepard's alarmingly heightened state right now. He grows more tense at the shoulders, but only because she does too, and it's strange to see her like this. He'd been living with the man since coming to the CDC, and he's learned Corvo's habits. Learned and accepted them, even if they came with nightmares.
He'd been too scared to bring it up with him, anyway. Not after Corvo had put a knife through his neck for the infamous Blue mission, even if he asked him to. Something he'd be sure never to mention to Shepard now.
A subject change is in order. He tries it a little too quickly. ]
He holds his new pet like it's a baby too, i-it's weird but kinda cute.
no subject
Her expression arranges into a series of lines as rigid as the set of her shoulders, the line of her back.]
You need to be careful, Jasper.
[And that part she means, emphatic and raw in that sleep ragged voice of hers. So she's apparently not willing to follow his tangent, but at least she doesn't say the part she wants to - that Attano is dangerous. Because the last time she'd tried to warn Jasper about someone, she'd potentially had a better answer for 'Why?' than she does now and had still essentially told him 'Because.']
no subject
[ Its weak, because he can't argue back. Wants to reassure her that it's fine, that yes he lives with Corvo, but everything is alright. He's leaned to live with the man, and though he'd never admit it to anyone but Corvo, cares more than he ever should have let himself. It wasn't either of their faults for wanting a father, or a son, to care about. But it hasn't been alright, not since day one.
Just thinking about it is enough to make him feel like sinking down, back down deep to that black and breathless watery abyss he'd become so used to in dreams before-
He pushes the idea from his mind before it can effect his expression. He didn't just blank for a second, no. His face goes rigid again, lines imitating hers as best he can, though his are still slanted with a mixture of doubt and confusion. It's difficult to keep hidden without retreating to his usual mask of anger. ]
I'll be fine. Just said Anders fixed it.
no subject
I trust you to take care of yourself. [There's weight there, attention fixed on him. There's only so much he can do, only so much she can impress on him in the moment. And if Anders did what he could on Jasper's end, then the only other ground that needs covering is Attano.] But if it's ever not fine, don't keep it quiet.
no subject
I won't.
[ And then, remembering something about an elbow-dialed call and an apology and a juicebox in Medical. ]
I mean it this time. I won't keep it quiet, but... I'm gunna be keepin' it between me and Anders.
[ He almost thinks of asking, if it's alright he keeps it between himself and the other mage now, but in the end he tells her. Try as she might, there's no hiding how alarmed she is. It's hidden in the lines of how she holds herself, but the the concern behind her pressing questions had been clear as the daylight filtering through the leaves above. If he knew what else she'd been feeling, that sickening stench of salt and rot that always lingered, that couldn't be from the water so clean just behind them... he'd tell her to go see Anders too. ]
no subject
(Or maybe that has nothing to do with him. Maybe that's everything to do with Attano. But just like the rest, she's not going to put that under a lens for too long.)
But she nods back. It's equally short, equally firm. An itch pinches between her shoulder blades. She clears her raw throat. It doesn't have to be her.]
Good. Anders should be able to handle anything you can't on your own.
[High praise.]
no subject
Thanks.
[ For allowing him to keep it between him and the healer, for understanding, for... what he suspects might be praise, but he's unsure. It's not something he's heard much in his life, however long and drawn out it's been. He's not familiar with it enough to determine on his own. Perhaps it's just another suggestion to be strong, because he isn't. Isn't strong enough to handle it all on his own. Perhaps it's praise meant for Anders. He did do an excellent job of healing him, even if they spell wouldn't last and the nightmares would return.
But that would be another night. For now he would sleep soundly. Hopefully Shepard would too soon. ]
I'm gunna go roast the rest of that meat. Expect some later. Take your time gettin' back to it, alright?
[ He doesn't wait for an answer, and instead takes his leave back the way he came... right back up the side of a tree.
Because that's definitely the fastest route back to the rovers. ]
no subject
Shit.
[She doesn't linger long.]